I’m on parade, silly

Dale Carnegie was right when he said that whatever a person does is motivated by ‘a feeling of greatness’ or ‘sexual desire’. Take any act for that matter, even philanthropy, and you will be able to fit it in one of these. Simply put, every son of Eve is a swellheaded lecher. And of course, all you daughters are no exceptions!

Having entered the corporate world recently, I have begun to observe people from their professional stance. ‘Corporate world’ and ‘observe’, huh? They say the two can’t coexist for long so I thought I should finish this write-up before it is too late.

Plainly speaking, I have begun to increasingly notice the effect of ones profession in the way one shows off. Of course, all of us show off – and I am not including Pamela Anderson or Mallika Sherawat types here. Some more, some less. So let’s meet the top-rankers.

Rank #1: Doctors

These angels in white just can’t seem to doff their lab coats. I know of one who attended a funeral in his white lab coat like he was advertising for Surf Excel. (No. Not his own!). Even if the guy is an ophthalmologist or a dentist, he always has a stethoscope dangling by his neck. And ask him his name and he says: “DOCTOR…….” And he has an amazing propensity to complicate simple stuff. I recounted these observations to a doc friend of mine and you know what he said? “I’ll kick you hard on your gluteus maximus!!!”

Rank #2: BPO employees

They are ubiquitous these days and stand out wherever they go. If there is a chichi gal sporting orange 6-pocket trousers on a Monday, she is very likely to be one of the BPO ilks. Of course, she tries her best to flaunt that American accent she is learning from the past 2 days, but that mallu accent just won’t wither off, will it? You will think she is talking to herself and suddenly realize that she is having a mobile conversation using her hands-free! Strangely, these guys are never seen without their hands-free. And if you want to know what is that all-important thing they engage their hands in….well…they hold the ear-piece of the hands-free in place with one and mobile in the other!

Rank #3: Software professionals

Ya that sounds like an oxymoron but that’s what they are called….rather, we are called! We always wanted to stand apart, so we invented id cards/access cards and dangled it from our necks as a mark of sophistication and distinction. Soon the chaatwala hung his mobile phone using a similar tag. So we shifted to the clip type that dangled from the trouser and had an extensible cord. Even that was aped by many. Now the whole sector is putting all of its technological finesse together and discussing frantically in boardrooms on the topic: How to create an ID card suspension that no other sector can replicate.

In between, we take some breaks to announce the quarterly million-dollar profits that resulted from our services. Of course, the clients paid for it! It will take them at least 5 years to realize that we actually hoodwinked them but by then, we would have moved over to more “sophisticated technology” – by which we mean the client will take at least 15 years to understand that he has been conned.

Rank #4: Financial analysts and bankers

These people usually have 3 credit cards so that they can transfer debt from one card to the other and not pay for a year – and save on all the interest. This chappie will sell stocks he doesn’t have and would have already invested all the cash he is getting tomorrow, before yesterday. The first thing noticeable is that he looks real crisp – like a newly dispensed Rs 100 note from an ATM. You enter into a ‘casual’ chat with him and the next thing you know is that he is talking about “the liquidity crunch that resulted because of the RBI decreasing reverse repo rate and discounted cash flow after the final EBIDTA…” What he is only trying to tell you is that his wife has threatened him with dire consequences if he doesn’t buy her the diamond necklace in a week and he has no other way to vent his frustration than to drive you nuts with his financial jargon. A wife figures on the liability side of his (im)balance sheet.

PS: Sorry dad and mom but then, you were the ones who taught me that truthfulness is always an ‘investment’ that ‘fetches good rewards and dividends’, isn’t it?

Rank #5: Manufacturing sector employees

From soaps to liquor, watches to chocolates – these guys are united in their conviction for the tangible. They are usually technophobes and are proud of it. They morbidly hate things that emit even a vague whiff of technology. I once asked a friend of mine from the manufacturing sector if he has read ‘The Da Vinci Code’. “Of course not, you idiot. What will I do with a book on coding? I am no mere programmer at a software company. I would rather read a book on conspiracy theory involving obscure secret communities with some fantastic plot eventually linking Jesus Christ”, he replied!

They have successfully branded everything that was otherwise freely available – water being their most profitable venture. They have even invented usages and created seemingly real situations so that their products don’t rot on the mall shelves. A popular mouthwash of today was a not-so-popular floor disinfectant once upon a time. So they invented this social taboo of bad breath and resold the product as mouthwash. An Indian watch-making firm wasn’t very happy with the fact that most Indians buy only one watch during their lifetime. So they positioned it as a style accessory and their sales increased so rapidly that even they lost count of the whole thing. Now they are asking the customers, “How many have you got?” as an attempt at getting the tally right.

Thanks to the manufacturing guys, everything you can perceive is now branded. Well not everything, rabbit piss is yet to be branded!

I am sure there are more flaunters out there and doing it better than all these guys mentioned above. Tell you what, I love watching flaunters – and yes, this time I am talking about Pamela Anderson and Mallika Sherawat types!!!


6 thoughts on “I’m on parade, silly

  1. :GRRR

    BPO Employess never show Off U IT KID : grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

    They are tired speakin to customer on the phone at office so they tried to socialise during non working hrs.
    and look at the way ur targeting them
    I really feel sorry for them and my heart goes out to all those BPO staffers

  2. That manufacturing guy who has not read ‘The Da Vinci Code’ surely deserves a pat on his back!!! And yeah….quite understandable that u love the flaunters – atleast they do it in style!!!!!

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